About To Lose Your S*** Part II
Yelling or Passionately Communicating?
Mamas, we all lose our shit sometimes. You might breakdown and cry out of sheer frustration, or give your kid an ipad just to get a few moments of peace. You may have a kiddo testing which buttons make you go bizerk....and at some point you actually do go bizerk! You might yell, or at the very least, raise your voice. Aaaand then the guit sets it...the negative self talk starts to yell at YOU! Your heart sinks, your shoulders get heavy, and confidence begins to slip away.
I hear and see so much being shared about how moms shouldn't yell, and "how to be a calm mom." Never have I read or heard something that seperates passionate communication and yelling, so I decided to write one myself. My hope is that you will begin to notice the difference and stop the cycle of shame and guilt that keep disempowered behavior going.
Mamas, please let me share with you that there is a BIG difference between screaming at and shaming your kids vs passionately communicating. So often moms, and women in general, are told to be quiet, to stay contained, and to temper or not feel their anger. Depending on your relationship with anger, frustration, protection, and passion, your response may be more out of fear or helplessness. If you have a negative relationship with these feelings, you may emotionally react versus respond with both emotion AND intention.
If your relationship to these feelings is contentious, you may deny them, suppress them, or fear them. When you deny, suppress, or fear your emotions, you lose a piece of your truth and your reaction is only a variation of authentic. To work hard at not feeling something usually results in feeling it more, although it comes out sideways. Sometimes, you may shame yourself if your reaction is explosive. The cycle of denying continues through shame so you can "promise you will never do that again." Unfortunately, that doesn't work. Shame may stop or prevent behavior but it will destroy your spirit in the process. When your spirit is cracked, shame has more space to penetrate.
Passionate communication involves inflecting your voice and shifting your actions and body language, much like we do when we yell. The difference is in the intention. People, especially children, push boundaries. These can be physical, emotional, verbal, moral or spiritual. Children need to bump up against their boundaries to feel safe. You as mama and an adult, are responsible for letting them know what is ok and not ok. Passionately communicating lets you and them know this.
Instead of having a boundary crossing correction be a negative experience, it can actually be AFFIRMING to both you and your child. You affirm your values, your truth, your stance AND your child gets to feel safe and loved. If you go into these interactions with a more positive mindset, you and your child can feel empowered to work together to figure out a better way. Passionate communication will turn into a bonding experience instead of one that disconnects and pushes away.
So....how do you do this you might ask?
1. Know your boundaries
Spend time identifying and strengthening your truth. Know your values. Know your worth. Know and affirm your stengths. Acknowledge your weaknesses. Decide how you teach, set, and maintain your boundaries. This will not just benefit your relationship with your children, but your relationships with all the people in your life.
2. Stop Chasing the Calm
We can't clutch to calm. Calm is a emotion like any other feeling; it begins, it peaks, and it ends. Being in the flow of your feelings without over attaching or getting stuck, allows for feelings of contentment and peace in light of daily upsets. If you put pressure on yourself to always be calm, what ends up happening is you chase the feeling of calm without actually attaining it for any length of time. If you do end up attaining it, it feels fragile and unstable. Allow SPACE for your feelings to arise and dissipate....allow for their natural flow.
3. YOU get to Feel the FULL Spectrum of Emotions
Women get to be passionate, we get to be angry, we get to be sad, we get to be relieved, we get to be calm, we get to be happy, we get to be excited.....and we can feel all of these at the same time! Just as any feeling comes in it also flows out. If you yell and shout as a way to express your anger and frustration, own it and be honest. Br honest with yourself and honest with your children. What you are teaching is that emotions are OK, though the way we express them matters. If we make a mistake we can repair it. It shows them that relationships are not black-and-white, that there is forgiveness, there is mercy, there is compassion, and there is love. But this has to start with yourself, mama, in order to teach your children, you have to learn the lesson yourself.
4. The Key Components to Passionate Communication
#1 is authenticity! Be true to yourself and your children. Get down to their eye level and focus on your message. Breathe deep into your gut. Assert your boundaries with strength AND tenderness. Yes mama, both can be true at the same time. Remember the intention of your message. Communicate the "why" in kid-friendly language. Finally, take good care of yourself. Let go of perfection. Take ownership and apologize if you need to. Take a few cleansing breaths, wash your hands, shake it off, and MOVE ON.
I hope this is a helpful reminder of your empowered humanness and that you are an incredible mama!