Transforming Fear Into Power
I have been wanting to write a blog for several years now but have been plagued by perfectionism and paralyzed by fear. All kinds of thought swirled around in my overactive mind, which created a vortex of self-doubt and shame that I could not resist getting sucked into. I had all this creative energy but the outlet for which it needed to come out felt too vulnerable, too unstable. One part of me knew I had things to say, gifts to give, and energy to release; another part of me told me to stay quiet and that it is safer to just be in the background. This tug of war went on for several years until the birth of my son this past summer changed everything.
"One part of me knew I had things to say, gifts to give, and energy to release; another part of me told me to stay quiet and that it is safer to just be in the background.".
My comfort zone through my late teens and twenties was to follow the rules, be good, do everything right and "perfect." Honestly, I was really good at it and internalized that being "good" and "perfect" was the rule for which I needed to always follow. Even though my voice and power got more and more quiet, it still felt so safe.
"The moment my son was born was the moment I was also re-birthed. "
I thought I could just keep applying the same rules I had steadfastly developed when i entered motherhood. After all, living life the "right" way had brought me success, so why wouldn't I just keep it up? Well, I found out it was actually sucking my soul dry. I didn't realize how much I was posturing to get through life, but I felt in control , and that felt powerful enough. The conception, pregnancy, and birth of my daughter made all the walls I had build come crashing down. I was no longer in control and the more I tried to follow the old rules of being good and doing things perfectly, the more out of control and powerless I felt. What I recognize now that I didn't know then, was that I was shedding an old identity and accessing a new one. It felt foreign, unfamiliar, and terrifying. I felt defeated and dis-empowered, especially in my identity as a mother. I loved my daughter dearly and strongly but I could not connect to myself. I got into the comparison game and tried to see how I measured up to others, which my self-criticism never let me. It was a painful time and I felt very small and insignificant.
I began to make strides toward a more positive and connected self about 2 years ago. As I began to rejoin with my spirit, the desire to write about my experiences and connect with other mamas about their experiences, got more and more strong. At first, and for awhile, it scared me. My inner critic was loud and several times strong-armed me back into a place of smallness. As I became stronger, I became more curious. My curiosity led to joining with a creative and intuitive aspect of myself. The more curious I got, the more fearful I became. But fear came along for the ride, and instead of being the aggressive driver, it became the annoying passenger.
When I gave birth to my second child, I knew I had to accept that the experience of birth was bigger than me. I needed to surrender, not to fear but the inevitable great power that is childbirth. I moaned, cried, and moved my way through his birth. I was scared; not of the pain but rather the thought of letting go of that last piece of an identity that was no longer serving me. I was no longer small. I was no longer powerless. I was no longer disconnected. I was transforming. The moment my son was born was the moment I was also re-birthed.
I believe strongly in the power of being a woman, a mother. By supporting others, building community, and witnessing empowered healing, I myself continue to grow and heal. My hope with this blog is that we can all support, encourage, and empower each other be our most authentic and courageous because we deserve that mamas! Let's lock arms and journey together.